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Why People Are So Emotionally Clumsy and How to Be More Aware of Our Impact on Others

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Have you ever blurted out something you instantly regretted? Or maybe you鈥檝e argued with a loved one, only to realise later that your words caused unintended pain. It happens to the best of us, more often than we鈥檇 like to admit. Emotional clumsiness鈥攕peaking or acting without consideration鈥攃an strain relationships, create misunderstandings, and leave us wondering, 鈥業f only I paused for a minute鈥�. Since so many of us bear the unintended consequences of this clumsy behaviour, perhaps it would be a good idea to dive deeper into why people struggle with this? And is there a way we can be more aware of the emotional impact we have on those around us?

The Root of Emotional Clumsiness

At the heart of emotional clumsiness lies one common issue: a lack of emotional awareness. When we lack the tools to regulate our emotions, it’s easy to become reactive rather than reflective.聽

The roots of a disconnect with our feelings occur in our early childhood formative years. If children don鈥檛 get their needs met by adults who were emotionally attuned to them, then they can miss out of some key developmental phases. For instance, an ability to understand and regulate their own moods; an ability to read other鈥檚 emotional states and empathise with them and an ability to solve problems and influence others.

Lacking these skills often leads to adults who regress to child-like ways as adults, for example 鈥� mocking, stomping off, yelling, or ignoring the other person.聽

We all have probably met an adult who exhibits some of these signs of emotional clumsiness or immaturity:

It looks something like this:

• An inability to understand what causes certain feelings
• Frequent emotional outbursts or mood swings
• Find it very difficult to assert their opinion or to take charge of a situation
• Not really interested in finding new ways to solve problems
• Become super defensive when given feedback 鈥� will experience even constructive feedback as a criticism and take it personally
• Unable to accept compliments or positive feedback 鈥� can鈥檛 take it in
• Lack assertion skills or fall into the habit of dominating through the use of anger
• Cannot 鈥榬ead the room鈥� 鈥� a habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time
• A certain obliviousness to emotional cues from others
• A tendency to fixate on mistakes (hyper-critical of themselves) instead of learning from them and moving on
• This results in pessimism and a loss of motivation after setbacks

Moving through adulthood, these conditions only get further exacerbated in people by:

 

1. Low to No Emotional Filter: We all have an inner dialogue, but some people lack the 鈥減ause button鈥� between thought and speech. Without this filter, raw, unprocessed emotions spill out without considering how they鈥檒l land on others.
2. Stress and Overwhelm: Stress can push us into fight-or-flight mode, making us more likely to lash out or be defensive. It鈥檚 easy to say things we don鈥檛 mean or act impulsively in these moments.
3. Lack of Self-Awareness: When people aren鈥檛 in tune with their emotions, they can鈥檛 manage them properly. This often leads to unintentional emotional dumping or miscommunication. There is a lack of self-reflection and inability to read another鈥檚 feeling states.
4. Habits Formed Over Time: For some, emotionally clumsy behaviour is ingrained. If someone has been used to expressing themselves without much thought, it becomes a hard habit to break.
5. Fear of Vulnerability: Sometimes, emotional clumsiness is a way of avoiding vulnerability. Instead of expressing deeper feelings like fear, insecurity, or love, people may speak or act defensively to protect themselves.

The Impact on Others

Our emotional clumsiness doesn鈥檛 exist in a vacuum. It affects those around us, particularly loved ones, who are often the most impacted by our unchecked emotions. Words spoken in haste can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and even long-term relationship damage. When we fail to filter our feelings, we risk pushing people away, even if that鈥檚 the opposite of what we want.

Let鈥檚 look at how we can improve our emotional quotient and become less clumsy.

10 Tips to Understand Your Emotional Impact on Others

1. Practice Self-Awareness: Reflect on your emotions before speaking or acting. Stop and ask yourself, 鈥淲hy am I feeling this way?鈥� If it鈥檚 easier, write them down. Being aware of your emotions allows you to control them better.
2. Pause Before Responding: When you’re in a heated moment, give yourself permission to breathe. Slow it all down and remember this is your first prerogative. You don鈥檛 have to rush in and feel the pressure of responding immediately. This allows you to think before you speak and avoid knee-jerk reactions and unnecessary pain.
3. Consider the Other Person’s Perspective: Empathy is critical. Try to put yourself in the other person鈥檚 shoes and ask how your words or actions might affect them emotionally.
4. Check Your Tone: How you say something is often more important than what you say. Be mindful of your tone of voice鈥攕ometimes, it鈥檚 not the words that hurt but how they鈥檙e delivered.
5. Don鈥檛 Assume Your Feelings are Obvious: Just because you feel something doesn鈥檛 mean others automatically understand. Be clear in your communication and express your emotions in a way that doesn鈥檛 require them to guess or assume.
6. Learn to Apologise: If you realise you’ve hurt someone, don’t hesitate to apologise. A sincere apology can go a long way in mending emotional damage.
7. Recognise Your Emotional Triggers: Part of self-awareness is to understand what sets you off emotionally. If you know that certain situations or people trigger strong reactions, you can prepare yourself to handle these moments more calmly.
8. Practise Active Listening: Listening without interrupting or thinking about your response gives the other person space to express themselves. This creates a foundation of respect and helps prevent misunderstandings.
9. Ask for Feedback: Don鈥檛 be afraid to ask loved ones how your behaviour or words affect them. This can give you valuable insights into how your emotions land on others and help you adjust accordingly.
10. Be Patient with Yourself and Others: Emotional growth takes time. Don鈥檛 be hard on yourself if you slip up. What matters is recognising the need for change and committing to being more aware moving forward.

Emotional clumsiness is common in our busy, high-stress lives, but it doesn鈥檛 have to be a lasting problem. Whilst it may be true that some of us were given a better ground in our formative years, it really is not impossible to turn around an undermined childhood. It just takes a deeper understanding of what was missed and with understanding, you get to correct and implement healthier strategies that work for you instead of sabotaging you. Often these behaviours can be unconscious, but the minute they become conscious 鈥� brought into your awareness 鈥� they lose the power to control your life. This is called integration and no-one is ever worse off for it. By becoming a responsible adult and doing our personal work 鈥� developing emotional awareness and practising empathy with ourselves and others, we improve not only our world but the people around us too. This is very empowering. Becoming more mindful of our emotional footprints helps us create stronger, more meaningful connections with those we care about most.